Why Your Therapist Sometimes Asks About Your Partner (And Why It’s Still About You)

Have you ever been in therapy, sharing something important, and suddenly your therapist asks a question about your partner, your parent, or someone else in your life?

For a lot of people, that moment can feel confusing. You might find yourself thinking:

• “Wait… why are we talking about them?”

• “Have I gone off track?”

• “Is she saying the problem is my partner?”

• “Am I doing therapy wrong?”

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If you’ve ever felt that flicker of discomfort, you’re not alone. And more importantly, it makes complete sense.

As a therapist specialising in trauma, neurodiversity and eating disorders, I ask contextual questions all the time. Not to shift the focus onto someone else, but to understand how your world is shaping your nervous system, your patterns, and your day-to-day experience.

Therapists ask about the people in your life to understand you, not them

When I ask a question about your partner’s ADHD, OCD or depression, your mum’s health anxiety, or your colleague’s behaviour… I’m not actually assessing them.

I’m trying to understand:

• how those dynamics land in your body

• how they influence your self-esteem or stress levels

• how your coping strategies were shaped

• what your nervous system is dealing with day-to-day

• what support or pressure you’re holding

• 
  

Your relationships create the context for your emotional world. And understanding the context helps me tailor the work so it fits you.

It’s never about judging or analysing the other person. It’s always about understanding your lived experience.

Why these questions sometimes feel uncomfortable

Many people worry, even silently:

• “I don’t want to talk about someone else behind their back.”

• “I don’t want this to become about him/her/them.”

• “I’m scared she’ll think I’m focusing on the wrong thing.”

• “I don’t want to waste time.”

• “I don’t want the therapist to think I’m avoiding the real issue.”

  
  

These thoughts often come from past experiences like:

• growing up in a home where your needs were overshadowed

• having to be the “strong one”

• being blamed or criticised when you expressed your own feelings

• partners who made everything about themselves

• anxious tendencies to stay “on track” or get things “right”

• a fear of being misunderstood

So when the therapist asks about someone else, your brain may register:

“Uh oh. This is going off track. I’m losing control here.”

In reality, therapy is still very much centred on you.

But that moment can poke at old patterns, and that’s where the healing often begins.

Context helps us understand patterns, triggers and your nervous system

For example:

If your partner has ADHD and struggles with emotional impulsivity or restlessness, the question is never about diagnosing them. It’s about understanding:

• how you’re impacted

• how much emotional labour you hold

• what you’ve normalised in your relationship

• what dynamics your nervous system has adapted to

• how your coping might have developed around their behaviour

  
  

Just one small detail about someone else can completely transform how we approach:

• emotional regulation

• anxiety

• communication

• boundaries

• self-worth

• trauma processing

  
  

Context prevents therapy from happening in a vacuum.

Therapy is always centred on your voice and your priorities

If you ever find yourself thinking:

“I want to stay focused on my own stuff, "or “I need to get back to what really matters to me,”, that’s not only okay, it’s healthy.

Therapy is a collaboration, not a hierarchy. You get to say:

• “I want to work on management techniques today.”

• “I’d like more structure this session.”

• “I don’t want to explore that avenue right now.”

  
  

You’re not being difficult or demanding. You’re advocating for yourself, sometimes for the first time.

A good therapist doesn’t get thrown by that. We welcome it.

If you ever feel unsure, you can simply say…

“Can I check why you’re asking that? ”How does this relate to what we’re working on? ”Is there a reason we’re talking about my partner here?”

These questions aren’t rude or challenging. They’re clarifying, and they can actually deepen the work.

Every good therapist should be able to answer those questions without defensiveness.

You don’t have to manage the session — that’s my job

Many of my clients (especially those with CPTSD, ADHD or a strong inner critic) feel a pressure to:

• keep the session efficient

• stay on task

• get it “right”

• make sure I’m not disappointed

• manage how the work flows

  
  

But you don’t have to do that here.

If I ask about someone else in your life, it’s not because we’re drifting off course — it’s because your lived context matters.

Therapy is still about you.Your needs.Your voice.Your healing.

Everything else is just the background that helps me understand your world more clearly.

If this resonates…

You’re likely someone who’s spent a long time:

• adapting

• accommodating

• being hyper-responsible

• trying not to take up too much space

  
  

Therapy can feel new and unfamiliar, like learning to let someone else hold the frame.

If you’ve ever wondered why certain questions feel activating, or why it matters to understand your relationships as part of your story, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong.

This is exactly how therapy works: we make sense of your inner world through your outer world, not instead of it.