“Can You Fix My Partner?” When One Person Wants Therapy More Than the Other

Sometimes, I receive enquiries from couples where one person is deeply invested in therapy — and the other isn’t quite sure why they’re there.

It often sounds like:

• “He’s the one who needs help.”

• “I just want her to be normal again.”

• “We wouldn’t have any problems if they would just stop doing [x].”

  
  

Understandably, the partner who reached out is often hurt, frustrated, or burnt out. When trust has been broken, or a pattern has gone on for years, therapy can feel like a last resort, a final attempt to make things better.

But here’s something that might feel hard to hear: Therapy only works if the person in the room wants to be there.

I don’t offer couples therapy, but I do support individuals who are ready to explore their own behaviours, patterns, and emotional world. That readiness is the key. Not pressure from a partner. Not an ultimatum. Not a sense of obligation.

But a genuine desire to understand yourself, your relationships, and what’s driving the behaviour.

“He Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Wrong”

I hear this often, and it’s not uncommon. When someone has a history of addictive or compulsive behaviours (like messaging others, overspending, or secrecy), they might feel shame, confusion, or numbness rather than motivation to change. They might just want things to feel normal again — not to be told what’s wrong with them.

If you're the partner pushing for therapy, that’s painful. You want things to change, and it feels like you’re the only one fighting for the relationship. I see how heavy that can be. But here’s the truth: therapy can't be something we do to someone else. It only works when they want it for themselves.

So What Can You Do?

If you’re in a relationship where you feel like the only one doing the emotional work, it may be helpful to get your own support. Not to take the blame — but to help you make clear, grounded decisions about your needs, your boundaries, and what’s next for you.

You don’t have to carry the relationship on your shoulders alone.

If your partner does reach a place where they’re genuinely open to exploring things for themselves, therapy can be a powerful space to do that. But they have to want it. It’s not about fixing anyone. It’s about taking ownership of your own healing, and that choice can only come from within.